Move Beyond Blame to Overcome Codependence

When I began work here at The Meadows, I was thrown into the Survivors Workshop the first day. At least, that’s how it felt to me. (What?! I have to actually do my own treatment? Blagh!)

Like many patients at the onset of this workshop, I thought to myself, I don’t want to sit here blaming my parents all week. I’m in a really good place with each of them, and I don’t have the time to be annoyed at them right now. As I progressed through the week and completed my training with the workshops, I began to fully grasp the concept of accountability and how it differs from blame.

Recognizing Codependent Behaviors

This blame is one of the hallmarks of codependency. Other signs of codependency include:

• A lack of healthy boundaries, emotionally or physically
• Feelings of guilt or anxiety when you care for yourself or spend time alone
• Falling into a caretaking role; losing yourself in an effort to “save” or change the other person

A codependent relationship is one in which there is no balance of power. One person takes all the time and energy of another, whether consciously or not. If you’re in a codependent partnership, you may feel you need this relationship to give you a sense of identity and value. You base your own decisions and feelings around those of another. And there are often underlying elements of addiction, mental health, or abuse. Codependent relationships don’t heal on their own, and behaviors and patterns tend to escalate over time.

Because codependency isn’t a clinical diagnosis but rather a pattern of behaviors, recognizing codependent behaviors involves taking an honest look at your relationships. This can be hard to do from within an unhealthy dynamic when you feel guilty for doing so or simply don’t know how to access your own emotions or opinions anymore. Codependency support from a therapist or workshop like those at Rio Retreat Center at The Meadows can put you back in touch with yourself so you can begin to heal and move from blame to accountability.

Blame vs. Accountability

I think that Pia Mellody says it best in Facing Codependence: “Blaming [someone] handcuffs you to the person who abused you and leaves you dependent upon that person’s changing for you to have any recovery.”

Not letting go of blame for our current circumstances or state of mind gives our abusers further power and control over us and keeps us stuck in our illness (i.e., codependence). To blame is to essentially say, I feel shi**y, and it’s your fault, and I won’t feel better until you make amends and change. As history has shown many of us, our abusers are not often likely to change or make amends, and we therefore continue to wait, and wait … and wait to feel better.

Accountability, on the other hand, means that you “acknowledge what happened, and who did it, but that you can do what you need to do to protect yourself and make changes necessary to recover” (Facing Codependence, Page 123). Accountability allows you to regain that internal locus of control (versus external blame) and believe, Yes, you did these things, and I acknowledge the effect it has had on me, but regardless of whether or not you ever change, I will heal.

Philosophy, Psychiatry, & Psychology explains that blame involves looking backwards only, while accountability has forward momentum. This means codependency and personal growth cannot coexist. Self-empowerment comes when we shift from blame to accountability by making a conscious decision to move forward with our lives, into our own lives. But breaking codependent patterns and habits isn’t easy, so be ready and willing to seek support like that from the professionals and programs at Rio Retreat Center. The right resources and support can help you see where you can make changes. It can also help you see where you may need to accept that some things will not change and how you can create healthy boundaries around those memories, thoughts, or people.

When the offenders are people that you deem appropriate to keep in your life — for instance, my parents whom I admire and love deeply — I personally view accountability as the essence of unconditional love. It allows us to say, I recognize these wrongdoings; I recognize your flaws, and I can love you for the perfectly imperfect person that you are.

I once had a patient share that he realized blaming his abusers meant he was dragging them everywhere with him. I don’t know about you, but my handbag is pretty heavy as it is without carrying all that around too!

The Role of Blame in Codependent Relationships

Blame is a defense mechanism. It comes easily and automatically, and Personality and Individual Differences explains that this tendency towards blame is even more common and subconscious when we have preexisting difficulties managing our emotions — a hallmark of codependent partnerships. We or our partner may project insecurities and issues onto the other. We may then internalize these issues and make them our own, linking codependency and self-esteem. Our emotions get projected onto our partner or get buried under the thoughts and feelings of someone else, or both people get caught up in a cycle of blame and doubt. No matter the specifics, any codependent relationship leaves us unable to recognize or address our own emotions and therefore hinders our ability to move beyond blame.

Overcoming Codependency  

We all deserve healthy relationships — with ourselves, and with others. Codependence recovery first begins when we recognize the role codependency plays in our lives. We then need to set aside blame so that we can make real progress towards emotional wellness and personal growth. You can find healing, self-empowerment, and personal insight at Rio Retreat Center at The Meadows. Our expert-led workshops such as Survivors I, PARTS, Mending Heartwounds, and Couples Repair & Reset support your relationships, personal growth, and more. Or if you are in need of something more involved, we can help connect you with one of our sister facilities who will customize a treatment plan for you. No matter how big or small the challenges you wish to overcome, we’re here to support your journey. Reach out today and learn more.