Forgiving Your Mother and Yourself

Every time Mother’s Day rolls around, we recognize and celebrate our mothers, grandmothers, and female caretakers. However, many of us — in fact, probably most of us — have complicated relationships with our mothers. Even if our moms were well-intentioned, they may not have been able to provide us with what we needed emotionally because they were stuck living out their own unresolved pain and childhood trauma.

Regardless, the relationship we have with our mothers has a profound impact on us. While it’s important to appreciate the positive contributions they have made, it’s also healthy to identify the not-so-helpful feelings, habits, or beliefs they may have unintentionally passed onto us.

This reflective process is critical to letting go of maternal pain, forgiving past hurts with your mother, and healing mother-daughter relationships.

Understanding Mother-Daughter Dynamics

The mother-daughter relationship is both powerful and complex. A study published by Procedia – Social and Behavioral Sciences found that the nature of the mother-daughter relationship is a determining factor in the daughter’s social and psychological well-being, as well as her self-esteem.

Why is this specific relationship so significant? In most households, mothers assume the role of primary caretaker, so it’s logical that they will have a considerable influence on their children’s attitudes, thoughts, behaviors, and emotions.

However, research published by The Journal of Neuroscience discovered that the processes by which mothers and daughters regulate their moods and emotions is the most similar of all parent-offspring pairings. Perhaps it’s this shared neurocircuitry that boosts the mother-daughter bond.

Interestingly, this may also account for why moms and daughters engage in similar conflicts generation after generation. But as iMOM’s Cyndi Barber shares, “The most effective (yet most difficult) shift happened when I realized my girls are not an extension of me.”

She goes on to explore common causes of mother-daughter conflict, including the following scenarios:

• Fear that your daughter will make the same mistakes you did
• Trying to live vicariously through your daughter
• Projecting your personal expectations onto your daughter and, conversely, she feels incapable of living up to those expectations
• Your daughter fears she will turn out like you
• Your daughter feels responsible for meeting your emotional needs

Yet just as a constructive mother-daughter relationship positively impacts a daughter’s well-being, a destructive one has lasting negative mental and emotional implications.

One potential consequence of unresolved mother-daughter relational issues is perpetuating the cycle of intergenerational trauma. If daughters avoid reconciliation with mothers, the mother wound will continue to affect not only your life, but the lives of your children and their children, and so on.

Facing the Mother Wound

Often at the core of our negative feelings about our mothers is the mother wound. The mother wound is the emotional trauma that your mother was unable to heal within herself, and you inherited.

The mother wound begins to develop at a young age. It consists of the untrue and harmful belief that you were responsible for your mom’s pain, and it was your job to make her happy by being “good.”

The mother wound may contribute to your feelings of inadequacy, shame, attenuation (the belief that you have to keep yourself small or hidden in order to be loved), and guilt.

If you carry this wound, you could find yourself struggling day-to-day in the following ways:

• You tolerate a lot of mistreatment by others.
• You feel overly competitive with other people.
• You sabotage yourself in your career, relationships, and pursuits of personal fulfillment.
• You are overly rigid or domineering.
• You are overly empathetic and deferential, failing to meet your own needs in favor of others’.
• You hold back or hide your true self so as not to threaten or offend others.
• You struggle with addiction, depression, eating disorders, and other behavioral health issues.

Most mothers want to see their children succeed and find happiness. But, if your mother did not come to terms with her own pain and emotional trauma or the emotional sacrifices she made in becoming a parent, her interactions with you may have included subtle messages that caused you to feel guilt, shame, or obligation.

To avoid inflicting your wounds onto your children, you must stop relying on them to be your only or primary source of emotional support and fulfillment. You must also fully grieve and mourn your losses. It’s only then — when you embrace self-forgiveness and self-love -— that you can wholeheartedly invest in the happiness and success of your children.

The Role of Self-Forgiveness

So, what does it look like to embark on a self-forgiveness journey? We frequently model what we see or what we have been taught. If your mother suffered unreconciled childhood wounds, your baseline for what’s considered normal might be a house wrought with anger, violence, control, neglect, or emotional detachment.

Consequently, your learned response may be to parent your children the way your mother parented you. This is a good thing if you grew up in a healthy environment. But for those who didn’t, it can be a wake-up call for change.

When you make the discovery that you are perpetuating this cycle, it often triggers guilt and self-blame as well as anger or resentment about your upbringing. It’s important to acknowledge these emotions and their source. It is equally important to extend grace to yourself and practice self-empathy for what you’ve been through.

It’s through forgiveness and self-compassion that we are better able to understand what our mothers experienced as well. Recognizing how our hurt was a result of their undeserved mistreatment goes a long way toward forgiveness for mothers.

Face Your Pain

You might be uncomfortable addressing the pain caused by your mom due to a strong sense of loyalty to her. You may believe that in doing so, you are tearing her down. Yet, it is entirely possible to achieve emotional healing with mothers without blaming or hating them. In fact, once you have released your own pain, guilt, and resentment, it can be easier to forgive her shortcomings.

Facing and overcoming maternal wounds is not easy. Healthline.com recommends four steps for healing from the mother wound and nurturing forgiveness in family relationships:

1. Express the Pain

Allow yourself to fully acknowledge, feel, and express the emotions you experienced because of your mother wound. Process those feelings with a trained professional or by writing them down in a journal.

2. Love Yourself

Realize that you are not who anyone else, including your mom, says you are. Begin building a positive self-image by recognizing your strengths and attributes. Explore what you love about yourself.

3. Parent Yourself

Think about what you needed as a child and learn how to parent yourself. This may take the form of self-care, investing time and resources into your physical, emotional, and relational well-being.

4. Forgiveness

Remember that no mother is perfect. Work toward accepting your mom’s shortcomings. Compassion in mother-daughter dynamics is necessary for healing to occur.

Where Do I Start?

If you are having trouble releasing guilt and resentment from a mother wound or need tools to navigate mother-daughter forgiveness, the workshops at Rio Retreat Center at The Meadows can help. Our Survivors I and Mending Heartwounds workshops are great for helping you address and process your childhood trauma and unhealed grief in a safe, supportive environment. These workshops allow you to accomplish in five days what may take many months or years in therapy. We will help you learn how to move beyond the pain of your past to become empowered and achieve your most authentic self. Contact us to learn more and begin your healing journey today.