The Problem With Codependence

Ever notice how some of the big screen’s most iconic couples have a major cringe factor once you separate fantasy from reality? Belle and the Beast. The younger Allie and Noah in The Notebook. Bella and her undead boyfriend, Edward, in Twilight. Fellow musicians Ally and Jackson in the most recent iteration of A Star is Born.

Audiences are sold the dreamy idea that these dysfunctional couples are “meant to be” because of the unhealthy lengths they’ll go to stay together. Meanwhile, alarms should be shrieking in their heads and hearts because there’s nothing remotely sexy or endearing about a codependent relationship. If anything, it may be a significant setback to the healthy, thriving companionship you’re desiring in the first place.

What is Codependence Anyway?

Unfortunately, there’s no tidy, one-size-fits-all codependent definition. However, the foundation for these imbalanced relationships often begins with a poor sense of self and lack of boundaries, which can manifest in people-pleasing, conflict avoidance, the reluctance to express an opinion, or the inability to say no.

Meadows Senior Fellow Pia Mellody has world-renowned expertise in codependent relationships and love addiction. In Codependence: The Five Core Symptoms, she explains, “Healthy self-esteem is created within an individual who knows that he has inherent worth that is equal to others. It cannot be altered by his failings or strengths, which I call a person’s humanity.”

In a codependent relationship, whether it’s between a parent and a child, partners, spouses, or even a coworker and boss, one person is assuming the responsibility for meeting the other person’s needs while ultimately neglecting his or her own.

While that may sound selfless in theory, it sets up a dangerous dynamic. The codependent person (the giver) feels inadequate, unimportant, even worthless, unless they are needed by the other person (the taker). With a lack of identity outside of making sure the other person is happy — far too great of a burden for one person — they will make sacrifices and do whatever it takes to keep things status quo, according to therapists featured in Good Housekeeping on MSN.com.

Spotting the Warning Signs

Unhealthy attachments to one person aren’t merely relegated to romance, though. Friendships can also fall into codependent territory.

In the movie Frances Ha, the title character goes on and on about her best friend Sophie and how close they are. These roommates rarely spend a moment apart, something Frances attributes to their BFF status. But when Sophie gets more serious with her boyfriend and decides to move to a different part of New York City, Frances falls apart.

Spending every moment with one person isn’t a sign that your relationship is more solid than others’. If anything, it’s one of the warning signs of codependency and stunts your growth as a well-rounded person with the confidence to spread your wings.

Other signs that you might be in a codependent relationship include:

• Putting the other person on a pedestal despite unmerited behavior(s)
• An inherent need for others’ approval to feel good about yourself
• Losing interest in the hobbies, work, or family and friends you used to prioritize
• Walking on eggshells to avoid conflict with the other person
• Feeling the need to check in on the other person before taking care of your own needs
• Apologizing when you’ve done nothing wrong
• Brushing away hurt feelings or justifying the other person’s bad behavior
• Spending money you don’t have to make the other person happy

Breaking the Cycle

Research has shown that the roots of codependency often develop sometime between young childhood and the teen years: that crucial time when the belief about being defective in some way or not being good enough takes shape. Mellody’s groundbreaking work on the connection between childhood trauma and emotional development helps pave the way for recovery.

In her book, Facing Codependence, Mellody explores where codependence comes from and how it sabotages our lives and relationships. Like anything worth pursuing, breaking the cycle of codependence isn’t something that happens overnight. But when the toxic emotions leftover from childhood and your teen years are addressed, healing and a healthier approach to relationships can begin.

If you or someone you love is struggling with a codependent relationship, there is hope. We at Rio Retreat Center offer life-changing workshops such as Love Addition/Love Avoidance that specifically helps those who fear abandonment and assign too much value to relationships. And for women dealing with unresolved trauma or relationship issues, there is inpatient treatment for love addiction and other intimacy issues at Willow House at The Meadows.